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GIRL-ON-GIRL BULLYING: FACTS ABOUT BULLYING:

Typical Characteristics of a Bully

1) Irrational, hot-headed, dominate, impulsive
2) Frustrate easily and very narrow-minded
3) Feel they are above rules and do not have to follow authority
4) They tend to view violence in a positive way - like it is something to be proud of.
5) Lack empathy for others or even a conscious - (if they did, they wouldn’t bully)

Do you know people who display any of these characteristics? If so, then you know a bully!!

BULLYING IS DEFINED BY STOP BULLYING NOW AS any child, teen, or adult that have an aggressive behavior that is intentional and involves an imbalance of power or strength. Typically it is repeated over time. Bully can take many forms such as hitting or punching (physical bullying), teasing or name calling (verbal bullying) intimidation through gestures or social exclusion (non-verbal or emotional bullying) and sending insulting messages by email (cyber-bullying).

Common myths about bullies:

- “Bullies are loners” - Actually bullies are not loners but report having an easier time making friends than the people that they bully. Children and teens that bully usually have a small group of friends who support and encourage their bullying, which explains why a bully keeps up their bullying.

    These friends are often followers who do not initiate bullying, but participate in it. Bullies have a strong need to dominate others.

GIRL ON GIRL BULLYING:

Girls are more likely to bully with words while boys most often resort to physical attacks. For this reason, most bullying by girls tend to get ignored more than boy’s bullying or is not taken seriously. But both types of bullying are very serious. The old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!” is simply not true. Words to hurt - emotional bullying can be as harmful as any type of physical bullying.

Here is an example of girl on girl bullying: For 17 year old Jade, the bullying began with a single rumor when she was 15 years old; that she had slept with a school friend’s boyfriend. Whispered from person to person it spread through the school like a wild fire and eventually made it way though the teenage grapevine. It did not end until Jade tried to kill herself. This teenager had been a victim of malicious girl-on-girl bullying. Orchestrated by a single ringleader and her side-kick. Jade could not walk through the halls without being called “slut”, “bitch”, “liar” or “ugly”. As the situation worsen, Jade started self-harming herself and stopped going to school. She suffered terribly for months on end. She felt like there was no where for her to hide from it. She was being bombarded with threatening emails, text messages on MSN and verbal abuse. As the cyber-bullying swelled, girls she had once thought of as her friends were too afraid to walk alongside her at school or in town.

According to Jade by the time she was 16, this once-happy teenager had been destroyed. One girl started it all. Because of one person, no one talked to me. I became depressed and put myself into isolation. I had been so happy. I had a great family, lots of friends and did good in school.

Towards the end of Jade’s bullying, she began cutting herself with razor blades and tried to kill herself by taking an overdose of pills. Eventually Jade moved to a new school and tried to start over again but she had lots her confidence about her ability to make friends. However at the new school she was able to get back on track with her studies and considers this a success considering the circumstances. Today she has only one person that she considers a close friend and has trouble trusting anyone.

According to Val Besag, an ex-school teacher and the author of “Challenging Girls“, this is just one example of how girl-on-girl bullying starts. Boys have the upper hand based on physical power. Girls have the upper hand based on friendships. According to bullying stastics girl-on-girl bullying is about “Little Miss Popular”. They have a best friend, a very best friend and a very, very best friend. It is an intense relationship with constant communication. They tell each other secrets and that bond leads to jealously and they are wary of what their friends are doing and who they are talking to. When girls bully experts say it can be more distressing because the attack is emotional involves social exclusion. In the book, “Challenging Girls”, Ms. Besag, list the typical forms of abuse used by girls, from making a teenager invisible to spreading secrets or gossip, calling them names, staring at them or sending hurtful text messages or other cyber-bullying. Girls use social means, they take someone’s friend away. In happier times they shared confidences and secrets and they they fall out they spread rumors. They put it on the internet. They do not realize that they can be traced. They have left behind their digital fingerprints.

In the example of Jade, she does not hang out with girls from her own age group any longer. She is now studying to become a school teacher and it is a glimmer of hop for someone whose life had to be put on hold while she became the target of a vicious female mental intimidation.

Bullying can affect those students that witness it. In one study of junior and high school students, 88 percent said they have witnessed bullying in their schools. Teens who witness bullying can feel guilty or helpless for not standing up to a bully on behalf of a classmate or friend or for not reporting the incident to someone who can help. They may feel even more guilty if they are drawn into the situation by the bully.

Some teens deal with these feelings of guilt by blaming the victim and deciding that he or she deserved the abuse. Teens sometimes feel required to end a friendship or avoid being seen with the bullied person to avoid conflict with the bully or to be the next target for bullying or exclusion.

The child being bullied needs your help to stop the bullying. Parents should not be afraid to contact the school. No one should have to tolerate bullying at their school.

The next time you see someone being bullied, ask yourself "How would I feel if this were me?" You can help stop bullying even when you are not a close friend of the victim. Your school will be a better place for standing up against bullying.

TELL AN ADULT (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT).

Chances are, students that are being bullied needs help from an adult. Often times, bullying goes on without being reported. But if you witness bullying in your school, here are some people you can inform of the situation. You can tell a teacher, school counselor, school nurse, principal, bus driver or another adult you feel comfortable talking with. Just make sure you tell someone.

1) I didn't do anything.
This may be the easiest thing for students to say when they know they are in trouble. When a student says, "I didn't do anything," it almost always means, "I'm guilty." The phrase I didn't do anything has become such a part of student's vocabulary, it almost automatically comes out of their mouths when they are accused of something.

2) I was only teasing.
This is the classic excuse that most bullies will use when they are accused of verbal abuse. Teasing usually happens between friends. Verbal abuse happens to weaker students who are unable to stand up for themselves. If you know that the two students who are involved in the incident are not friends, you can be sure that it was not just teasing. Also, teasing becomes bullying when it happens often and over a period of time. The difference between teasing and bullying is it is not teasing when someone is hurt by your intentions.

3) She thought I was talking about her, but I wasn't.
Relational bullying among girls is a huge problem. Manipulating friendships and spreading rumors are how girls generally bully each other. This is somewhat of a comical excuse because if the alleged bully denies saying anything, it will be quite easy to find ten or more girls who will admit that the bully did say something.

4) It's not talking about you or spreading rumors when I say it to your face.
The bully admits that they don't like you and they am not doing anything behind your back - they are doing it out in the open. This is not an excuse for bullying - you are just being a jerk and just because you are brazen enough to do it out in the open doesn't make it right. It makes you a bully.

5) I didn't mean to hurt him/her.
Bullies will almost always try to downplay their actions. Most of the time, their intent is to emotionally hurt or physically cause pain to their victims. Acting like they didn't mean to do it or trying to comfort the victim once they have been caught are ploys that bullies like to incorporate.

6) He pushed me first.
Between two students of the same size and social stature, maybe that could occur. But, between the captain of the football team and the student who is hardly noticed on campus, it's doubtful. It's highly unlikely that a smaller, weaker student will push or try to intimidate someone who is bigger.

7) He/She tripped and fell by themselves.
Many students trip and fall every day at school. But, if you have a student complaining that another student is tripping them or pushing them down, then it's probably happening. A question that educators can ask themselves is this: How many times a day/week are students reporting that this behavior is taking place? If the behavior is being reported more than a few times a week, the alleged bully is probably guilty.

8) Someone pushed me into him/her.
Blaming others is what bullies do so well. Bullies at the elementary level love to push their classmates when they are in line. Since elementary students are in line a lot, this happens quite often. Acting like someone pushed them into another student will be the first excuse that bullies will use if they are accused of pushing another student. Put the bully at the front or the back of the line and keep a close eye on them.

9) They deserve to be bullied because they are ugly, fat, don't wear the right clothes, I don't like the way they act, she gets everything given to her, his family has money, he comes from a poor family, jealously, etc.
No one deserves to be bullied. Period. Bullies will try to justify their actions by blaming the victim. This is similar to racial discrimination.

10) Everyone bullies.
No, they don't. Only a small percentage of students are bullies. Bullies will say this to try and place the blame on others. Their attitude is that if others are doing it, then it's okay. It's never OK.

Finally - Everyone makes mistakes - it is not your place to judge or place judgement. If you do not like someone that is your choice, but you do not have to go out of your way to be rude, hurtful or malicious.

If your child is being bullied many parents do not tell anyone what is going on. Why?

1) Most parents are afraid that they will make matters worse and they are not sure what is the best way to handle the situation.
2) Many times, children make their parents promise not to tell anyone.
3) Parents think that their child will be able to handle and stop the bullying.
4) Parents may be embarrassed that their child is one that is being bullied.

The child being bullied needs your help to stop the bullying. Parents should not be afraid to contact the school. No one should have to tolerate bullying at their school.

SCHOOL'S RESPONSBILITY
All children and teens are entitled to not be bullied by any other student or teacher. Schools have the responsibility to make sure all students have a safe environment to learn in. Some states have anti-bullying laws, ask for a copy of your school's bullying policy.

PARENT'S RESPONSBILITY
1) Write every incident down. Keep a log of dates, people involved, times, what happened, who witness what happened. Be very thorough.
2) Ask to meet your child's classroom teacher and let them know what is going on. Make sure you do so in a non-conferential manner.
3) Ask the teacher what their observations are (I.e. have their noticed any bullying, have they noticed that your child is being excluded from group activities, does your child get along with others).
4) Make sure you ask the teacher what they plan on doing to stop the bullying.
5) The guidance counselor can help your child deal with all the stress of the being bullied.
6) Go ahead and set-up a follow up meeting with the teacher.
7) If after your follow-up meeting, you feel the matter has not gotten any better, go to the next level of authority.
8) Make sure you keep notes of all your meetings.

WHAT SHOULD YOU EXPECT THE SCHOOL TO DO ONCE THEY HAVE BEEN INFORMED ABOUT YOUR CHILD'S BULLYING.

1) School staff should investigate the situation immediately and then inform you what they have found out.
2) LET ME STRESS THIS - Schools should never set up a joint meeting with your child and the bully. This can be embarrassing and uncomfortable for the child being bullied. They should also not be referred to a mediation. Bully is a form of victimizing a person. It is not a conflict that should be mediated.
3) Schools should meet with the child and learn about what is going on and ensure the child that the bullying is not their fault and help to ensure the child that the staff will keep a watchful eye out.
4) Make sure the school or the parents do not blame the victim. Bullying is never the fault of the person being bullied and he or she should never be made to feel they are to blame.
5) Give the school reasonable time to resolve the issues and to hear both sides. Sometimes the person being bullied will make false accusations about the person they bullied. Schools should not jump to conclusions or place blame. It should not take the school more than a week to respond to you.
6) If the bully has continued after your initial meeting with the school, write to the school administers and include evidence from your log to back up your complaints. Putting a complaint in write is very important.
7) Fortunately most schools are sympathetic to bullying and try to respond quickly, however if your school is not responsive about bullying write to your school superintendent.
8) Don't give up - you may have to talk to your child's school several times in order to get the situation resolved.